August 11th, 2018 I lost my baby sister Tara Lee Allen to a very long heroin addiction. It turned my entire world around. I felt like someone had literally gutted me alive.
Most of the time, I try to ignore the fact that she is gone and can convince myself that she’s just out running the streets, and is alive—-not well but ALIVE.
And then there are days when reality blasts me in the fucking face and reminds me that she is dead.
My whole world falls apart all over again like the day we lost her. It doesn’t hurt any less, it hurts the same.
Lately she has been in my mind a lot so I thought I would write her a letter.
Maybe she can see it?
Maybe she is standing here with me as I write this?
Maybe she can hear me?
I don’t know really, but maybe this will make me feel a little better?!
Hey…. I’m not even sure where to start with this letter. I have so many questions for you. I’m staring at my phone and a billion thoughts are flooding my mind.
I wonder what I would say or ask you if I had one more chance to do so. So I’m writing to you and going to ask and tell you what I would if I was ever able to have that chance. I will not sugar coat shit, we are Allen’s and that’s something we don’t know much about.
I wanna rip your ass so bad right now. What the fuck dude!? Why didn’t you listen to us?! And as I say that, I think back to the middle of my addiction and I realize why you didn’t listen. I have no room to rip into you.
I miss you. I miss you so god damn much it hurts my soul. I missed you long before you left this planet or life. I’m sorry I stopped talking to you. I thought I was doing the right thing. They say if an addict is happy with you, then you are condoning or supporting their habit…. you HATED me, so I thought I was doing the right thing.
If I could go back I’d come home and I would just hold you. I wouldn’t tell you how to live your life and I wouldn’t tell you how I felt about the way you lived your life. I would only tell you that I Love You, over and over and over again, until you believed me.
You never believed me when I would tell you that. You didn’t believe anyone loved you. We did Tara! Like seriously. And I know it was so hard to see, when the devil himself had you in the palm of his hand.
The amount of people who were broken when they heard you died was crazy!! You would have been happy to see that.
I still don’t think it’s real. You come across my mind a lot and I force myself, with all my might not to think about you. It hurts so much.
But then there are days where I will sit in front of the TV and binge watch the show Intervention. Sounds crazy but I feel closer to you then. Like I’m trying to understand that certain addiction. Heroin…… the one drug that always scared me and I never touched.
I really thought one day, like me, you would just say “That’s it! I’m fucking done! No more drugs!”
But you didn’t!!!! You fucking kept using!!!! It makes me so mad!!! I just want you to come home. I want to go back 15 years ago and not leave you there….
I’m sorry I left you Tara. That was not my intention. I’m so sorry I was so god damn selfish and caught up in my own fucked up life that I couldn’t see how much you loved me and looked up to me.
I didn’t know this was how it would end. I DIDN’T KNOW!!!!
I can hear your laugh sometimes if I try hard enough. Not the one you had that everyone else knew, but the one from when we were little.
When we would run around outside and play. Dad use to chase us round with the hose. I swear you were his favorite!!!
How ironic that you two are together again. If that’s where you are.
In 3 more months it will be a year since you have been gone. August 11th. The day my entire world froze, and for the first time ever I heard my soul scream….. it was deafening. It was like someone came by with a searing hot knife and sliced me in half, and took that half of me away…… forever.
Ya know, living out here in Kansas, I didn’t realize how horrible it was for you up home. I couldn’t understand why after your first heart attack, and open heart surgery, why you couldn’t or wouldn’t stay clean. Like I was for sure that was your rock bottom.
I didn’t know what “home” looked like. I didn’t realize the absolute filth that our mother lived in. I mean I knew somewhat, but I just didn’t think it was that severe.
I’m so sorry that you couldn’t go home and heal the way you should have been able to. Yeah, you had Corey and Mandy, but I know all you wanted was Mom. What person doesn’t wish to be with their mom when their world has fallen apart.
I’m sorry she wasn’t strong enough to help you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I kept thinking you were strong and would come through…..
“I looked back at you when I left and I silently said goodbye to you. Because I knew. I knew I would be writing you this letter.”
Part of that is a lie though. I guess I just “hoped” you would get through it. We didn’t have the easiest life growing up…..every single one of us have learned to get through life by survival, and survival only.
A part of me knew that one day I was gunna get that call. And god damn it Tara I fucking told you!!!! I told you 100 fucking times, there were only 2 endings in that life style, jail and death!!!!
I hear these rumors often that you wanted to die. And it was something you wanted so bad…. that you would intentionally over dose in hopes you would die. And someone would bring you back with that heroin overdose life saving shit.
Jesus Christ! I didn’t realize it was that bad sissy.
You use to tell me (when we did talk) that you wanted to die. Well you got what you wanted! Are you fucking happy now?!?!
I’m so pissed off!!!! But I’m mad at the addiction. I’m mad that it took you away from us. It took you away from Matthew, my son, your nephew!! You were so in love with him the first time you met him.
I’m sorry I didn’t wear the see through shirt and knee high hooker boots you bought me for Christmas. I thought it was so ridiculous! But if I could go back I swear to god I would rock the shit out of that outfit!!!
I had a lot of fun with you at The Milk Plant Christmas Eve. Up until we all started fighting and You beat my head in. I enjoyed dancing. It really was a good time.
I wish I knew why you were so angry all the time. I mean obviously the drugs had a lot to do with it. We also grew up in an angry home. I guess all of us have anger issues. We never knew anything different.
You’ll be happy to know that mom is loving you like crazy. I know that was one of your biggest things, for mom to love you. She always has ya know?! She just isn’t the best at showing it. Hell, she tells you every single night now that she loves you, and posts a picture of you on Facebook. Shit, she has told you she loves you more in the last 9 months than she has told us other three kids in years!!!! You would think after loosing you, she would make more of an effort with the rest of us. Oh well. You’ve got her in your little pocket now so.
I’m sorry mom had you cremated. I KNOW that is not what you wanted. And you know all to well she wouldn’t listen to anyone even if we tried to talk her out of it. So I didn’t even try.
You are HER DAUGHTER! It didn’t seem to matter that you were our sister. She did the same thing she did with Dad. Just pure selfishness. No one else mattered but her.
Just FYI, yeah I did take some of your ashes. Mom is gunna be pissed when she finds out, but I don’t care. So on the bright side you got to see Kansas. And you went on our family vacation to Breckenridge Colorado. So a piece of you is right there in the Rocky Mountains!
I hope you like the Urn I bought for you. It’s pink with roses. And it’s shiny! I bought a mini one too for here with me.
I look at it some days, and still can’t believe that this is what it came to. That this is all I have left of you.
I keep you on the shelf in the kitchen above my sink. And I talk to you every time I do dishes. There is a little green seashell that I salvaged from you bedroom. Which by the way, I am so god damn sorry that mom let those dogs destroy everything of yours. I about puked and almost lost my mind when I realized that was what you had to come home to after heart surgery. Complete filth and stench. I couldn’t even breathe in there. I’m so sorry Tara. You deserved so much better than that.
Pastor Mudge spoke at your funeral!!! He’s a great man! He also baptized you when you were born. He said that where you are now, that anything that ailed you, or you suffered from here on earth is gone. That you are happy now, not in pain, no longer a prisoner of heroin, and that you feel loved.
I hope that’s true. I really do. And I hope you know we all love you here still. Always have and always will.
Your services were beautiful. Mandy and I made a board of your pictures. It came out really nice. It was hard to put it together between the tears and all the damn glitter. Lol. You and your glitter fetish!!! Hahaha
I’m sorry that Mom got rid of your dogs the way she did. I KNOW you wanted Corey & Mandy to have them. And I KNOW you didn’t want them split up. And I’m sorry again for our mothers selfish ways…. if she can make money out of something she will, no matter who it hurts. Just like she did with Dads Harley’s. Did you know that dads Living Will states that Chris was to get one, but unfortunately our mother was in charge of making sure that happened. Yeah! Chris got a letter from the lawyer who did Dads Will. Shitty. Just shitty.
I know one of them went Dezi though. So she is def in good hands.
Ugh, I should have been a better big sister for you. I’m so mad at myself. I know if I had tried harder maybe you would still be here. Maybe….
I keep looking for someone to blame for all this. And I blame so many people. I blame myself, I blame mom, I blame the people you were with and hung out with. I blame addiction, I blame this shitty fucking world for taking you victim. You were so beautiful, and smart and amazing. And fuck!!!!! I miss you so much Tara Lee.
I’ve taken up Yoga as a way to deal with loosing you. I also meditate.
Just two weeks ago I was meditating and you showed up. I was sitting in the rocks down at dark hole up home in NY… watching and listening to the water run over the rocks, and you appeared.
You were in a white flowy dress with long beautiful blonde hair. You were just floating over the water…. and you were smiling. You looked so happy!
“At that moment I felt so safe, and loved by you.”
I could hear your voice, but your mouth wasn’t moving, and I could hear you say “I’m ok Sissy, you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I love you Tubs”.
At that moment I felt so safe, and so loved by you. I was so calm. I just sat there watching you…. and you just kept smiling and glowing so beautifully. It was so real. I could literally feel the wind that was blowing through your dress. I could feel the rocks underneath me. I could hear the water splashing.
It was like getting to see you again in real life.
I’ve been afraid to meditate ever since cause seeing you breaks my heart Into a million pieces.
But I was so happy to see you at the same time.
When I came out of my meditation I was alone in my bath tub and just cried for what seemed like an eternity.
There is so much I don’t know and feel like I need to know. Of course I can’t believe half of what our mother tells me, so I have no idea if you actually overdosed. Or if you just weren’t taking your meds after your second heart surgery.
What I do know is I can def blame your addiction. I can def blame myself for not being a better sister, and I can def blame mom for not being a better mom.
So I owe you an apology. A big one. I’m sorry baby sis. I’m so sorry.
I really do hope I get to see you again when my time here comes to an end. What I wouldn’t give to hear you call me Tubs. Lol. Always called me a fat ass. Hahahaha
We all love and miss you so much Tara Lee.
Even our half sisters around the US were broken. They really wanted to come and pay their respects but of course mom again with her selfish ass wouldn’t allow it.
They did care, and they did send their respects in their own ways. Taunie even went and did her nails as a tribute to you!!! You would have LOVED IT!!
Surprisingly she did allow me to write and put their names in your obituary. But she would let me name our real dad. Jesse Randell Allen Sr.
Yeah you didn’t know him, but she could of at least gave the man credit for helping to create you… to create the most beautiful little girl any of us ever met. He helped create you. My baby sister. The baby sister I was so excited to have the day you came home from the hospital.
I have to bring this to an end now. It’s taken me 4 days to write this because I get to crying so hard that I just can’t handle the pain. And I’m there again.
Please watch over Matthew. I talk about you to him. We call you Sissy. I wear a necklace with your ashes in it and he will hold it and say “Sissy!!” And I show him his Xmas gift you got him back in 2016, and I tell him “Sissy got this for you, and she loves you soooooo much.”
I’m so glad we got to see you one last time when you had your first heart surgery. I was so happy you made it through. But I knew the last day I seen you was going to be the last. I told you I loved you. And you were so in love with Matthew.
I looked back at you when I left and I silently said goodbye to you. Because I knew. I knew I would be writing you this letter.
I love you Tara Lee. God rest your soul. And I hope one day to meet you again. In a better place, a different life.
~Love you forever little bugger baby,
Forever your Sissy- Tubs