Yep, I’m gunna say it again… Today I was a Bad Mom. I had a bad day, and because of that I was a bad mom.
I can’t even put my finger on why exactly my day was bad. It’s Sunday, I didn’t have to work, or be anywhere. I tidied up the house last night so I didn’t have to today.
Yet, I’m pissed off at the world. As I lay here in bed trying to think of what is bothering me, there are actually quite a few things.
- I’ve smoked cigarettes for 3 days now. And I’m so mad at myself for it, so mad that it makes me want to go smoke one right now. FAILURE! I suck!
- My sons biological deadbeat had his visit today, and just the sight of that man makes me sick to my stomach! He always drowns himself in his nasty ass cologne, to the point you can’t even breathe. And he just straight sets my blood on fire cause he’s about as worthless and you can get.
- I’m Trapped in my thoughts all day! So much that I can’t believe it’s almost 10pm right now. Other than getting dinner done and a recipe posted to my blog, I was useless. More often than I like to admit, I am highjacked by my thoughts. It’s annoying and I don’t realize it to it’s too late.
- I Haven’t been to yoga and I don’t fucking know why!!! Ugh. Sometimes (maybe more than usual) I just can’t seem to find the motivation to get my ass in gear. I LOVE YOGA! Yet I haven’t made it to a class in 2 weeks! Nor have I practiced at home. I have a little yoga class/retreat thing coming this weekend. I’m excited to go. Shit, every night before bed I get excited to go to class the next day, but can’t seem to munster up the energy to actually go!
- Maybe my period is coming, I always seem to be off around my period. I don’t ever keep track of the damn thing, so I don’t even know if that’s a possibility!
My temper is very short, and I’ve developed this shitty attitude towards my fiancé…. and ……. my son the last week or so.
My poor little bubba!!! Gawd, I yelled at him so much today!!! He kept calling my name, and climbing on me, and spilling stuff, and whining, and being loud. I was so wrapped up in working on my blog this afternoon I completely ignored him or yelled at him for everything.
At lunch time I got so angry that I had to cook grilled cheese for lunch that I left immediately afterward.
I drove around for a while, went shopping for a bit. And once I had my wits about me again, decided to go get stuff to make dinner.
“I’m never getting this day back…”
Dinner was fine, but again I had no patience for my son and his neediness!
After dinner I continued to ignore him or yell at him for just about anything.
All the way up to about 5 mins before bed I looked up from my phone and there he was just sitting there…. bored…. confused maybe?
“It’s bedtime Bubba.” I said. He calmly picked up his drink and walked directly to his room, and crawled into bed.
That’s when it hit me. Today I Was A Bad Mom. Today I have no memory of my son and I having fun together or doing anything TOGETHER at all!!!
CHRIST! The only thing that boy wanted from me all day, was just ME. MOM. HIS MOMMA.
And I get so fucked up in my head sometimes and get obsessive over something I’m working on and can’t pull myself away.
I knelt down to give him his goodnight kisses and I said to him “Matthew, Momma wasn’t a very good Momma today, and I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I promise I will be better tomorrow. I’m so sorry Bubba.”
He just looked at me the same way he always does…. innocent, full of love, and sleepy.
I kissed his precious little forehead and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I came straight to my room and started crying.
And now I’m just laying in bed hoping that God gives me that chance to keep that promise tomorrow.
Life isn’t guaranteed. And one of these days, tomorrow is never going to come. And I’m so ashamed that I wasted an entire day away, that I could have spent watching my son laugh, and play, and giggle, and climb on me, and love me.
I’m never getting this day back!!!!!! I’m so upset with myself.
I yelled at him for nothing today!!!
I yelled at him because I’m so god damn unhappy with myself right now, and I took it out on him and my fiancé. Bless their little hearts, they both kissed me and told me they loved me anyways!!!
Sometimes I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders, and in reality I really don’t. Everything is fine. It really is.
I just need to sit back and BE PRESENT!
I’ve had days like today before, and swore I would work on myself to be better for Matthew.
I didn’t do so good today. I sucked. I Was A Bad Mom Today.
But I will take this feeling in my gut this evening, and I will study how it’s making me feel. And will wake up tomorrow morning and try to be a better to my son than I was yesterday.
I am human. I will make mistakes. And most importantly, I WILL learn from them.
I don’t want to be a perfect mom. Just a good one.