Confessions of a Skinny Girl
***Trigger ⚠️ WARNING***
My weight is something that I have struggled with my entire life. I don’t think I was even 100lbs yet in my 4th year of high school. I remember wearing clothes 3X to big for me all through high school.
I can remember nevering wearing shorts in gym class either because I was beyond ashamed of how small my legs were. Hell I can still hear the girls in the dressing room teasing me. “Chicken legs!” , “Oh my gawd, why are your bones sticking out?”
I was in 9th grade when the guidance councilor called me to his office over the loud speaker. It wasn’t unusual by any means, as I was one of the “rebels” my entire high school career and spent plenty of time in the principals office… but this time it wasn’t the principle who wanted to see me. It was the guidance councilor.
I can’t for the life of me remember his name but I do remember the conversation.
“How are we doing today Ms. Allen?” In a very concerned voice. I was puzzled a bit cause honestly I fine. As to which I replied “Fine.”
“I’ve got a couple questions for ya if you don’t mind Ms. Allen.”
Councilor- “Hows home life? How are things at home?”
After a few more stupid questions, cause it seemed like he wasn’t sure how to ask what he really wanted to know…. he hit me with it
“Do you and your siblings have food at home?”
“Ummmmmm yeah!!” “Why?!” As the image of the daunting task of having to go grocery shopping with my mother pops into my head… being forced to go with her cause when mom grocery shopped it was ALWAYS 2 entire cart fulls of food, and I got stuck having to push one!
“You need to eat a cheeseburger!” Or “Damn girl, you get any skinnier you’re going to blow away!” ….”Your leg is as small as my finger!”…. “I could break you in half!”
I mean there were 4 of us kids, my dad, and herself living at home, so we had to have a lot of food.
At this point I’m pissed. I get teased all day long, and now my teachers are coming at me with this crap!
So he proceeds to inform me that he is going to have another councilor join me at lunch in school and after lunch …..
Turns out he thinks I’m vomiting my food up after I eat. Without even asking, he just assumes!!!!
“FUCK YOU MAN!” Yup, that’s what I said! And I got up walked out of his office, and straight of school.
The school had my family investigated. That’s right, a social worker came to our house and looked in the cupboards, took each of us kids and asked a million questions. That damn counselor followed me around for damn near a month!!! Now I was really being teased cause I had a babysitter.
I hated myself, I hated my body! I hated it so much I that I started cutting it up. I couldn’t bare the pain that I felt in my chest every time someone said something about how skinny I was, and I couldn’t stand what I was looking at in the mirror.
Cutting myself lifted the emotional pain that was unbearable, and replaced it with physical pain that I COULD CONTROL. I controlled that pain when I would cut. And every time I bled, I felt like all the emotional pain I carried everyday at school could pour out.
It was easy to hide seeing I always wore long sleeves and pants. And to be honest I don’t think my parents ever knew. The only person who knew was my best friend. And she never told a soul.
It took a few years but I eventually quit cutting. My cutting was quickly replaced with drugs and drinking, which seemed more affective and longer lasting. That lasted a good 10/15 years. I would get so blasted I didn’t have to think about how skinny I was, and let me tell you, if they thought I was skinny in high school (while I was eating regularly), they should have seen me 8 years into my drug addiction!!!
Since then, I’ve gotten clean and going on 6 years clean. Lots of NA (Narcotics anonymous), and therapy…. I learned to just deal with it internally. People still have smart things to say or feel like it’s ok to comment on my weight. Like being skinny is a good thing! As if it’s something I enjoy or flaunt.
Well it isn’t!!! It still hurts! The comments and teasing are in different form of course… “You need to eat a cheeseburger!” Or “Damn girl, you get any skinnier you’re going to blow away!” ….”Your leg is as small as my finger!”…. “I could break you in half!”
It all still feels the SAME. That same gut wrenching feeling in my gut I had back in high school. I could be having the best day ever, like I was having today….. until one of my customers pops off with “You need to gain some weight honey, you’re too small!” In that instant, I’m completely disgusted with myself and any self esteem that I may have had goes out the window.
I wonder to myself if he goes around telling people that are over weight that they “Should eat a salad, you’re getting fat!” I imagine not…. that would be rude! But it seems socially acceptable to say things to a skinny person. Well it isn’t!
I’m almost 35 years old & I weigh 97lbs. I’ve battled with self acceptance MY ENTIRE LIFE. I’ve heard every skinny joke and poke you can think of, and I will tell you, I still go home and hate who I see in the mirror. I hate shopping for clothes cause NOTHING EVER FITS RIGHT!!!! My poor fiancé, keeps telling me I’m beautiful just the way I am and he loves everything about me. He tells me I’m perfect. He tells me my son thinks I’m perfect! And to this day I don’t believe him. It’s funny cause he really does think I’m perfect. Hahaha. I mean he’s probably right… this is how god made me, and I am exactly the way I am suppose to be. And some days, I believe it.
I’ve prayed and prayed, and tried and tried to gain weight, to the point I made myself sick!!! I would gorge myself with food until it hurt, and convince myself the pain is worth it, and much better than the pain that comes with what people think is ok to say to me, to a skinny girl! Or anyone for that matter.
I’m finally starting to accept me for me…. it’s a hard process though. Through yoga and meditation, at times I find solace and acceptance. And I know with continued practice ….. one day, someday, I will feel comfortable in my own skin. One day when someone says to me “You need to eat a cheeseburger girl, your too damn skinny!” , I’ll be able to say with confidence “Nah, I’m perfect just the way I am!”
I’ll go home tonight and look in the mirror and spend more time than I should trying to love the person starring back at me. I’ll spend the other half of the evening trying to convince my boyfriend that I just had a bad day, when really I’m screaming inside cause I hate my body.
On behalf of myself and any other person who struggles with weight, rather it be gaining or loosing, Keep your fucking comments to your damn self! Who gave you the right to comment on someone’s appearance in the first place!?